Lost in Space review
posted on 24 December 2007
With clothes that cool, I want to be Austin Powers when I grow up. Sure, send me forward in time! People can't even remember how to breath on their own, I'll be a sex symbol baby, YEAH!
First off, all due respect to the camera, grip and lighting department for making the outstanding production design look so incredible. Technicians usually work just as hard on crappy movies as they do on good ones, and this one has a ton of work very apparent.
Now then, 'splain me something; how do these characters get any work done? This film absolutely relies on two things: 1. Handheld deteronic frombotzers with silence and inactivity filled in by SGI workstations, and 2. the sexual tension created by wearing clothes that were probably designed by the same guy that thought up the Obsession commercials, a kind of 18th century concept of restrict and amplify. Really, how could you operate in that environment, how could you breath in those clothes?
Enter Matt leBlanc. The late 20th century-style cap'n crunch Ace Pilot of a flying party-favor is cast alongside a happy family of slighty-kooky geniuses. They all flit through space, catching a killer plot-wave in the space-time con-bore-deum. Mr. leBlanc does an absolutely perfect job of portraying how we work. We abridge. We kick ass. We assume people will eventually respond to thuggish "Let's get butt naked and fuck tonight" advances, the only (I believe demographically-questionable) repeat audience the producing company could hope to expect with the kind of hype and budget heaped upon the film. It's kind of like they said "Hey, we think there's a market for this crap. And, hey, we can make a MOVIE!" I mean, what was their pitch, really?
The upshot of the picture is harmless enough, given our typical range of easily accessible choices. In act two/three, man-child "possible future" son of Mr. Lost battles bad-guy/insectcreepo battles designer-made chastity-moonsuit people in a "she can't take much more, captain" fight, leading to rosy milk and honey sunset. Sort of a man's idea of a good $now-Bl@yd-Grrl date movie, really.
I've got to admit, though, that there were some cool effects, and some really great stuff got through that I liked. It is a sexy movie that switches gears quickly, is well made and, well.... it made me HORNY, baby, YEAH! It wasn't as long as other bad movies that I have sat through, and I waited 'til it cost a buck. What can I say? It is engaging to play while the music thumps at a great party.
I haven't bothered to store the data in my Spacebrain, but I hope somebody got lucky somewhere in this movie. They hit every other B movie cliché, and I love purists.